The Minnesota Unemployment Insurance kick in the balls

It took fiance about 3 months to go through all the steps necessary for her to get unemployment. She went through North Dakota, then Minnesota. It was a bitch of a system, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Two months after leaving my job because my fiance got a job in the cities, I finally heard from MN unemployment.

Minnesota determined me ineligible for unemployment last night because I didn’t move with my spouse. I called today to talk to them.

Me: Hi, I’m calling about my ineligibility determination.

Her: How can I help you?

Me: First off, I just wanted to check on the part that says pending issues for my second job.

Her: (looking) Well, it appears that that is no longer a pending issue. It has been resolved. It appears you are still working there.

Me: I’m not.

Her: Oh.

Me: That department no longer offers classes, so there’s nothing to teach.

Her: …

Me: So.

Her: …

Me: Did it affect anything?

Her: No.

Me: So despite the fact that that department made cutbacks and is no longer running doesn’t affect things?

Her: No.

Me: OK, let’s talk about the rest of it. I was denied because I’m not married to my fiance?

Her: Yes.

Me: Does it matter that we will be married in 5 weeks?

Her: No. Unfortunately not. The legislature was quite clear on that point.

Me: Or that we’ve been living together for almost 3 years?

Her: Sorry. 

Me: But if we were married, it'd be a different story. 

Her: In most cases. Yes.

Me: Is this how gay people feel?

Her: …

Me: OK, so your saying that because I’m not married yet to the person I’ve been living with and will be marrying in five weeks, and that my second job was cut, which in large part necessitated our move to make enough to sustain ourselves on, I am ineligible.

Her: Well, are you working since then?

Me: I’ve judged some high school debates, but nothing full time or permanent.

Her:  You would have to have another job.

Me: (wishing I said, why would I need unemployment then?) OK, so there’s nothing I can do?

Her: You can appeal to find out for sure.

Me: …

Her: …

Me: …

Her: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: I guess not.

This is how bat-shit insane academic culture is

Dean: I’d like to thank you for coming to this meeting to try to clear up some issues we’ve been having. We have determined that your counterpart in math had schitzophrenia, which is why she quit, relieving us of all responsibility to look at our own system and make adjustments to help make this learning center a great tool for students. The other Math person that quit two weeks prior, also after less than a month on the job, does in no way make this a pattern that we should look at to find workable solutions. 

Again, thank you both for coming. I understand that the vague job responsibilities for both of you has been vague and overlapping, which would certainly lead to issues if it weren't for our wonderful open culture. I want you both to feel open and free to discuss anything in this meeting.

Staff member: Well, that being the case, I would like to suggest that there are several ways to improve the learning center.

Dean: What? I’m sorry, It appears you just don’t understand our culture here. There are underpinings to this learning center that you just don’t know.

Staff member: OK. Well. I’d like to suggest that I’ve been teaching students for 8 years now, and while I appreciate input, I feel that every time I discuss what’s going on at the center, I am told I’m doing it wrong.

Faculty member: That’s my job. I’m here to advise you. There are things you just don’t understand. We’ve been working on this center for a whole year, and without that vision, you shouldn’t really speak up.

Staff member: Understood.

(continue for an hour, end meeting, get email to meet with dean two days later)

Dean: You have an edge to you. You really have to tone down that edge and go back to the milk and cookies person you are. I knew you had an edge. I knew it.

Staff member: I was under the understanding that we were to speak openly and make suggestions.

Dean: There’s that edge again. I’d like you to stop talking to anyone else, including your coworkers, about anything work related.

Staff member: I am really learning to live with the condescension. I love this job and enjoy working with the students to make them better writers.

Dean: But are you working with the students too much? They should not be coming to you so often for help.

Staff member: Isn’t that the purpose of the center, to help students become better writers?

Dean: You just don’t understand our culture.

Open letter to vent frustration

(The following open letter is written in the voice of my fiance as she adjusts to the politics of working on a college campus. It is a letter to the dean that will never be sent, even with the more confrontational bits taken out. It’s amazing how much shit we must eat to keep a job that continually changes the rules and gives you conflicting directions. Background: she was hired to run the writing center, but it is increasingly clear that she is only to do what she is told and take blame for any problems that arise from that.)

It was good to meet with you this morning. I have a few follow ups.

1. Earlier, you indicated that the faculty adviser would be advising me for only this semester, and that the writing center would become my responsibility. However, whenever said adviser is around, you say the opposite. Not sure which is true.

2. I’m having difficulty reconciling the job duties as described to me upon hiring and in my job description and the reality that is continually presented.

Since I began at the writing center, I have been anxious to help develop it into a valuable resource for students and the college. In practice, it has been difficult to do anything to move the center forward. I am greatly enjoying working with students, which continues to be the best part of the day. Now that I know I won’t be adjuncting this semester as you promised earlier, leaving me thousands short of what I expected when I moved here, I am holding on to this student contact like oxygen. The students seem to be very thankful for the help as well as evidenced by a very high return rate. I also am continuing to strengthen relationships with the learning center.

However, I could do so much more. I would like to meet with classes to promote the writing center. I would like to develop strong ties with TRIO and Veterans Services to obtain referrals. Every time I try to do something to increase awareness, I am cut short by the adviser who says I'm doing it wrong. Then I am held responsible for the low student turnout. 

My adviser said she will be the face of the writing center, and that I am just to help students. Since I don’t understand such things, I asked my fiancee, who has been in marketing for five years.

Him: “So she’s the face of the writing center?”

Me: “Apparently.”

Him: “She goes around to talk to classes, not you?”

Me: “Right.”

Him: “But she’s never at the writing center?”

Me: “Correct.”

Him: “That’s incredibly stupid marketing.”

I was unaware until this morning that I also have more experience than my advisor along with more training and education. This knowledge and experience is not being used to full potential. While I appreciate her input into the writing center as it relates to the college, I don’t know how helpful or cost effective it is to have her spend less than one hour a week on writing center related issues, which invariably result in my having to stop any plans to increase awareness.

I understand the mission of the writing center, and I want to help it become what you want it to be; however, I feel the main message I gleaned from this morning is that I cannot do anything without approval and that I should just let things transpire as they will. Meanwhile, I will be held responsible if the writing center doesn’t grow as much as we both desire.

I write this in the hopes that you will allow me to dig in and begin making the writing center a place the students need and use regularly.

Thank you for your time.

Open letter to Life

Dear life,

I get the joke. Ha ha. That was a good one. I’m amazed at the elaborateness of your prank, how you involved so many people in this thing. You are like “The Game” times a million. Bravo.

It was like you had me on puppet strings, the way you got me to focus on my studies in school with promises that there would be some sort of reward at the end of it. I did my best for you – state competitor in extracurriculars, top of HS class, great scholarship for college. You even got the college to shortlist me as senior of the year. Things were going well, a good high peak, you might say.

Then you had me sell shoes for years as I looked for jobs related to my major. You whispered promises of the baby boomer generation leaving their jobs soon, and there would be a glut of openings in every field. Still waiting on that one. Nicely played, life. I like the way you came in at the last second to ruin their retirement savings so they would never be able to leave their positions. Better yet, you managed to just absorb the jobs of those that did retire so that people are working 2 or 3 jobs instead of one, saving the company money on salary.

You threw me a bone with the newspaper gig, which took about 1 year to sap the strength from my soul, and another to pound the snot out of what was left. All the while, I kept developing my skills as advised – I learned to write quickly on deadline, to express ideas and feelings through story, to meet and interview people on the spot, to collect information and impart that information clearly to others. I like to think I got good at it. I’m still learning, but aren’t we all?

Every good story has some bits of relief, and graduate school was certainly that. I was once again in my element, where hard work is rewarded, and I actually thought perhaps teaching would be a good option. Hey, I’ve always been a good student, and my students seemed to be pretty cool with me even when they were getting bad grades.

That was one of the best twists, since you managed to set up a good system where way more master’s degrees and PhDs are produced than are needed in academia, which leads to a great Ouroboros system where colleges are getting people to pay for degrees and then turn around and work for those same colleges for less than they would make at an entry level job, and with no benefits. They make their own subservient labor force and get paid by people who want to get into that job pool. Genius!

The best trick by far is the way you continually dangle little rays of hope out there – life-changing possibilities that make me believe that maybe, just maybe, you don’t suck so much, that things can be better. The way you set it up so employers can take months to get back to you for an interview, then weeks to get back to you after the interview and still expect you to start the next day – well done. The way you set it up so we have to interview multiple times at the same place – masterstroke.

OK, life, you got me. You got me good. I tip my hat to you. You got me to work my ass off for the American dream that says hard work gets me ahead in you, Life. You even got us to believe in you so much that we dug a financial hole to cover basic medical, food, housing costs, figuring surely you wouldn’t stretch out the joke much longer. But you did, you took that joke all the way to the breaking point. That’s fucking commitment, my friend, and I double salute you.

I’m anxious to see what your next trick is. Perhaps you can have a fourth person leave my office so I can do four people’s jobs for the price of one. Perhaps you can continue to keep me in Fargo, where there are no opportunities for my Fiance. I didn’t think you would be so crass as to go for this type of kick in the balls, Jackass humor, but you did, and it’s been awesome. 

I enjoy a good poop joke, as you well know, but there’s only so much shit you can watch one eat, isn’t there? I think it’s time to stop joking, Life. My sides are splitting. I’m tired of laughing so much. You got me, you got me good. Can we move on, please?

Sincerely,

Fargo Jones

Life of an adjunct teacher

Note: entirely too much of this is true

Hello, Mr. Jones, this is the chair of the local college. I'd like to see if you are willing to teach a class this semester.

No, this semester.

That's right. You will? Great. So, you start tonight. Yes, I said tonight.

Well, that's the thing. We've known about this class for three months, but I'm finally getting around to it now. I know we expect students to work on their projects before the day they are due, but hey, this is the real world, and I had stuff to do.

So, I can’t tell you what class you’ll be teaching, or who is in it. Just take a good attendance for a few days and please let me know. We also don’t like to tell our teachers where their classes are. We find it keeps them on their toes, ready to improvise and be creative. Just ask the students if they have you for a teacher. I know you’ve never taught this class before, but I’m sure you’ll do fine.

We took the liberty of picking the books for this class. However, we only ordered enough for half the students in the class. The others should arrive in three weeks. Until then, prepare lessons as best as you can. Ask if anyone has purchased the books. Someone usually has. You can get the name and the ISBN from that. It might be faster to order it off Amazon yourself, but we don’t reimburse for that. Just borrow a student’s in the meantime. I suggest you go down to the copy machine together and copy what you need. We can’t reimburse you for that.

We also like you to use technology in the classroom and encourage it. What? Oh, no, we don’t supply any of that equipment. But rest assured that whatever computer you have, it won’t hook up to our systems. Since you are teaching after hours, no one is on campus to help you hook anything up.

What? You need to get online? You can using your computer. The directions are all online on how to hook it up. Since you don’t have an office, the IT people can’t find you so they won’t be able to help. The IT people take off around 4 anyway, so don’t expect them to get to you soon.

Our administrative assistants are all gone for the day, so you’ll have to print out your own syllabuses. We don’t reimburse for that either. Budgets are tight this year you know.

If you find you are in the wrong classroom, would you mind just teaching there until the other professor shows up? We find that this kind of interaction can be a good way to meet your colleagues and share styles.

I know the administrative assistants will be back tomorrow, but it’s best not to bother them with things like copies and books and other course-related stuff. Try to keep conversations to how busy things are and how nice it is to see the students back. Weather is also a good topic.

Your office? Well, that’s tricky. We weren’t sure you were desperate enough to do this for us. I mean, we know you have college loans you will be paying off your entire life, so we know there are enough of you out there that we can do this like this, but still, sometimes people say no. In other words, your office is going to be in the hallway next to the men’s bathroom. If you need privacy with a student, I suggest walking around campus until you find an empty room. You’ll have to use your personal phone for student contacts. Call IT about getting an email address. They’ll get back to you in a week or so. Since you are in the system at another college as an adjunct, you probably won’t get an email here anyway. Or a check. Our system doesn’t like you.

Our email system isn’t really good anyway, so I suggest setting up a gmail account. We do have a mail box set up in the department office for you, where everything else you need is. You’ll get keys in two weeks.

I know the union doesn’t like us to hire this way, but we’ll be backdating your checks, so everyone will be happy. Your first check should arrive in November.  It’ll be as if you spent the last week preparing. I know you’ll do well with the class tonight. I suggest ice breaker exercises for the first week until you get your books. Try to make them relevant to the material that you aren’t yet aware of for this class.

You may notice a difference in the class since we recently cut the programs that help ease the transition into college for nontraditional and borderline students. Those programs were bringing down our graduation rate by almost a percent, so we can now safely say 25 percent of our students graduate in 6 years.

Although I don’t know which classroom you are in, be prepared with multiple layers of clothing, as our heating system is on the fritz, causing the rooms to be 90 degrees. Or 50. Depending on the quarter-hour. Also please ignore the other faculty member in the room. That’s also her office.  Look for the room where the previous class is still talking to the professor for the first half hour of your class. The next class’s students will likely help you know when to leave by coming in during the last half hour of your class.

Please bring your own chalk/white board markers.

Bring a white board as well.

Earplugs are helpful as the grounds crew will be tearing down one of the walls of your building while you are teaching.

We have training courses on technology in the classroom, but they are during your class. The first such session is in December.

Your parking permit will work for the lot on the other end of campus. Sorry, but last minute hires don’t get in the close lots. Also it’s 200 bucks. No we don’t reimburse. So that will come out of your first check, so you’ll get paid actually in December. The line at the parking office is pretty long, so get there early. You might not get one, and will get to meet the nice people in the parking office for the rest of the semester as you battle tickets. You could also use the meter system which doesn’t work, but likes money and doesn’t like giving change.

We have about 50 pages of paperwork for you to fill out with the same information. I advise making copies, since none of it will go through right and will get lost with all your personal information including social security number and you won’t know until you don’t get your check in December, in which case, you’ll get paid in January.

Thank you for sharing your knowledge with our students at this place of learning. We pride ourselves on being a discourse community of respect.