Note: entirely too much of this is true
Hello, Mr. Jones, this is the chair of the local college. I'd like to see if you are willing to teach a class this semester.
No, this semester.
That's right. You will? Great. So, you start tonight. Yes, I said tonight.
Well, that's the thing. We've known about this class for three months, but I'm finally getting around to it now. I know we expect students to work on their projects before the day they are due, but hey, this is the real world, and I had stuff to do.
So, I can’t tell you what class you’ll be teaching, or who is in it. Just take a good attendance for a few days and please let me know. We also don’t like to tell our teachers where their classes are. We find it keeps them on their toes, ready to improvise and be creative. Just ask the students if they have you for a teacher. I know you’ve never taught this class before, but I’m sure you’ll do fine.
We took the liberty of picking the books for this class. However, we only ordered enough for half the students in the class. The others should arrive in three weeks. Until then, prepare lessons as best as you can. Ask if anyone has purchased the books. Someone usually has. You can get the name and the ISBN from that. It might be faster to order it off Amazon yourself, but we don’t reimburse for that. Just borrow a student’s in the meantime. I suggest you go down to the copy machine together and copy what you need. We can’t reimburse you for that.
We also like you to use technology in the classroom and encourage it. What? Oh, no, we don’t supply any of that equipment. But rest assured that whatever computer you have, it won’t hook up to our systems. Since you are teaching after hours, no one is on campus to help you hook anything up.
What? You need to get online? You can using your computer. The directions are all online on how to hook it up. Since you don’t have an office, the IT people can’t find you so they won’t be able to help. The IT people take off around 4 anyway, so don’t expect them to get to you soon.
Our administrative assistants are all gone for the day, so you’ll have to print out your own syllabuses. We don’t reimburse for that either. Budgets are tight this year you know.
If you find you are in the wrong classroom, would you mind just teaching there until the other professor shows up? We find that this kind of interaction can be a good way to meet your colleagues and share styles.
I know the administrative assistants will be back tomorrow, but it’s best not to bother them with things like copies and books and other course-related stuff. Try to keep conversations to how busy things are and how nice it is to see the students back. Weather is also a good topic.
Your office? Well, that’s tricky. We weren’t sure you were desperate enough to do this for us. I mean, we know you have college loans you will be paying off your entire life, so we know there are enough of you out there that we can do this like this, but still, sometimes people say no. In other words, your office is going to be in the hallway next to the men’s bathroom. If you need privacy with a student, I suggest walking around campus until you find an empty room. You’ll have to use your personal phone for student contacts. Call IT about getting an email address. They’ll get back to you in a week or so. Since you are in the system at another college as an adjunct, you probably won’t get an email here anyway. Or a check. Our system doesn’t like you.
Our email system isn’t really good anyway, so I suggest setting up a gmail account. We do have a mail box set up in the department office for you, where everything else you need is. You’ll get keys in two weeks.
I know the union doesn’t like us to hire this way, but we’ll be backdating your checks, so everyone will be happy. Your first check should arrive in November. It’ll be as if you spent the last week preparing. I know you’ll do well with the class tonight. I suggest ice breaker exercises for the first week until you get your books. Try to make them relevant to the material that you aren’t yet aware of for this class.
You may notice a difference in the class since we recently cut the programs that help ease the transition into college for nontraditional and borderline students. Those programs were bringing down our graduation rate by almost a percent, so we can now safely say 25 percent of our students graduate in 6 years.
Although I don’t know which classroom you are in, be prepared with multiple layers of clothing, as our heating system is on the fritz, causing the rooms to be 90 degrees. Or 50. Depending on the quarter-hour. Also please ignore the other faculty member in the room. That’s also her office. Look for the room where the previous class is still talking to the professor for the first half hour of your class. The next class’s students will likely help you know when to leave by coming in during the last half hour of your class.
Please bring your own chalk/white board markers.
Bring a white board as well.
Earplugs are helpful as the grounds crew will be tearing down one of the walls of your building while you are teaching.
We have training courses on technology in the classroom, but they are during your class. The first such session is in December.
Your parking permit will work for the lot on the other end of campus. Sorry, but last minute hires don’t get in the close lots. Also it’s 200 bucks. No we don’t reimburse. So that will come out of your first check, so you’ll get paid actually in December. The line at the parking office is pretty long, so get there early. You might not get one, and will get to meet the nice people in the parking office for the rest of the semester as you battle tickets. You could also use the meter system which doesn’t work, but likes money and doesn’t like giving change.
We have about 50 pages of paperwork for you to fill out with the same information. I advise making copies, since none of it will go through right and will get lost with all your personal information including social security number and you won’t know until you don’t get your check in December, in which case, you’ll get paid in January.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with our students at this place of learning. We pride ourselves on being a discourse community of respect.
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