My Dinner With Gourmet: Part Two

Part Two: In which I grill my Fiancé about how this dinner touches on all our hopes and fears

For this section of the story to make some sense, we need to establish some facts. My fiancé has more degrees than some doctors and more experience than necessary for every job she has applied for, and was in her second month of unemployment and 12th+ month of underemployment when this all went down. We’re still trying to figure out the employment situation before Fargo bleeds us to death. It’s hard not to feel like life is mocking us most days – when I’m not busy working two jobs and helping to send out 15-30 resumes a week.

So the undercurrent in this whole situation with a stranger coming over to cook us dinner was one of fear of where our lives were headed. A lot of fear mingled with a cup or two of bitterness over the idea that some people are able to pay for such ridiculously overpriced cookware.

The night before the Simplicity Gourmet cook was to arrive, we sat on the couch with a recorder. We turned the conversation to the dinner and how we couldn’t find anyone to join us. Fiancé thought if other people came she wouldn’t be so embarrassed. It would help to have someone there to keep her strong.

Fiancé: It wouldn’t take much for this person to convince me that the pots and pans would fill a hole in my life. Because I’m getting married and therefore I’m happy and this will be the happiest I will ever be, being engaged. This is what I am led to understand. That our whole relationship is based on this one year. The only happy year we have is our engagement year.

Me: Who says that?

Fiancé: Pretty much everyone.

Me: That’s crazy.

Fiancé: There’s a lot of pressure right now. I just didn’t want us to have to go through it alone because I’m really scared of making a mistake. My fear is they are going to come in and just smell how vulnerable I am. They are just going to smell it.

Despite her fears, she was willing to go through with this dinner for me. She knew I needed it, that it would be 90 minutes of utter discomfort. She saw it as one way to help me find my love of writing again. She had been encouraging me to start a blog for a while.

Fiancé: Nothing happens on accident. We have no idea where this story could go. It may not go anywhere, but it’s enough to get you to realize you are not in the right place at this moment. I’ve been pushing left and right – why don’t you blog? Why don’t you journal? Why don’t you do this or that – and none of it landed. But somehow this lit a fire. You’ve gone through worse for me. And when we are on hour three at David’s Bridal...

Me: Keep my trap shut?

Fiancé: Yeah.

We were both unreasonably nervous about this unknown. We had spent hours cleaning the house in order for someone to come and try to sell us stuff. If anything, Fiancé figured she might pick up some sales techniques that she could use to sell herself as a brand to potential employers. We talked about what we had found online about Simplicity Gourmet.

Fiancé: There was a girl that described what happened in a chat room. She said the broccoli was cooking the whole time while they did the 90-minute presentation at a hotel convention room. Then they were both supposed to eat. They got a sprig of broccoli.

Me: Was that the one where someone from the company wrote back?

Fiancé: Yeah.

Me: And they are like, “Sorry, we have a lot of people there. We can’t give broccoli to everybody.”

Fiancé: Yeah.

Me: And it’s like, yeah you can, it’s broccoli.

We created scenarios with each other for the potential evening ahead. Perhaps we would say we did it for the free food, that we are that desperate, and see if he still wanted us to buy the cookware. Perhaps this salesman would slip into the conversation a bit about his sick children. Fiancé thought it would be fun to pretend to have rashes and ask the person for his opinion on our skin conditions. “I’d really like to gross him out somehow,” she said. “That’s terrible of me. Maybe you could just itch your crotch a lot and then shake his hand.”

Deep down, I figured the most likeable person we’ve ever met would come through that door – someone that we would want to be friends with, to have over for board games and popcorn and talk about the latest episode of Fringe. The kind of person that it is very hard to say no to.

I had a friend in college from Texas who had an inability to give up on an idea once it got into his head. He was the type to approach someone who had parked in a handicapped spot and berate her until she walked back to her car to move it. Once he talked me into driving him to the store to buy a camera so he could get a picture of the deer head he had mounted on the end of a rake. When we got back, there were two cop cars by the head. He had to see a counselor.

He’s in banking now.

Me: You know, I imagine they get you to a point where you feel bad that you have to keep saying no. I don’t know what they are going to do, but I feel like they are going to emotionally blackmail us, you know what I mean? Make me feel like I don’t love you if I don’t buy the stuff.

Fiancé: Will that work on you?

Me: I can’t imagine it working.

Fiancé: For me, there has to be major humanity in what this person does. Charts, talking – none of that is going to change me. There has to be pathos, and just that. And real humanity.

Me: Do you think Simplicity Gourmet realizes who they are trying to sell to? People like us.

Fiancé: No, because we’re not your typical bridal couple. We’re supposed to be fresh out of college with amazing jobs.

Me: I just think it’s wrong.

Fiancé: You eventually get the cookware, so they aren’t really scamming you.

Me: I’m not going to fault them for doing what they can to make a buck. But imagine, if we had that money we could pay off your hospital bills. By doing this, we would be putting cookware over your health.

Fiancé: I really want things to be different. Which is why it would work.

Me: Because it would be a way to convince yourself that you are better off than you are. Is doing this going to make you feel horrible?

Fiancé: What do you mean?

Me: Well, you’re crying.

Fiancé: I feel horrible because if you weren’t here I would buy it. It would work. I think that’s why I feel awful about it.

Me: Because I’m the only one keeping you from doing it?

Fiancé: And I’m scared that you are going to fall victim. I just… I firmly believe in karma. I spent the last eight years giving help to students who didn’t always deserve it. I didn’t know that when we really needed it, there wouldn’t be anybody to give us help. I really wanted your brother and sister-in-law here to make sure we didn’t buy anything. I’m scared.

Me: Do you resent me for having to do this?

Fiancé: No. Not at all. It’s something I can do. It’s the only thing I can do for you right now. It’s the only thing I can do for you. I can’t even shop for food without going over budget.

Me: Do you think other couples that they get to are better off and able to pay for this stuff?

Fiancé: I think that my high school insecurities are on the surface with all this. I’m not the perfect bride. It’s just like being in high school again where I was a tomboy and I liked boy things and that was never good and I stayed that way all through college, even in my profession I’m one of the boys. I think the women getting married, everyone else must really have it together. I expect all brides to be put together. And because I’m not put together, I’m not a bride, I’m not what they are looking for. And so I assume that since all the other people must have everything together, that’s why this works. Because they all just must. Otherwise why would that be your target audience?

Me: I still don’t know why I’m doing this.

Fiancé: It’s so that you don’t end up like me. I think it’s fine. I’m just really sorry that I’m the only one that seems to be supporting you. We could both be unemployed. Things could always be worse. Things could be worse.

Me: Can I say something? Thank you.

Fiancé: For what?

Me: For being ok with it. For not saying “I have better ways to spend my time.”

Fiancé: This is my job.

Me: I love you

Fiancé: And I am, no matter what I say, very glad to marry you.

Me: Never had someone say that in an interview before.

Fiancé: Thank goodness.

Next time: Part Three, In Which We Secretly Record Our Evening With Simplicity Gourmet