Dear Resume Black Hole,
I saw your opening for an administrative assistant and am officially giving you notice that I am the person you are looking for. First, let’s get a few things out of the way first concerning the experience requirements. You want a business or related associate degree or equivalent experience – I triple-majored in undergraduate school, have two master’s degrees, and more than 50 further credit hours toward a doctorate. On top of that, I managed a used bookstore in the absence of the owner for several years. So it’s also safe to say that I have equivalent experience and knowledge of financial processes. I have worked in and attended universities for the past 13 years, so I think that should cover your requirement of experience in a university. I have also worked with web development, Microsoft Publisher, and People Soft in my various positions – although such programs are pretty basic and easy to learn, so I question your unwillingness to spend 30 minutes with someone to run them through some software that you will likely change by next year anyway for newer versions or better systems.
With that out of the way, I’d like to spend the rest of this letter outlining the other skills and experience you require for this position.
1. Office experience including detailed tasks and use of judgment in performing those tasks
I feel you need to take a breath here. Look closely at this requirement. It’s a juxtaposition of vagueness that hopes to be specific. I would like to ask you what sort of ass-birthed mouth breather came up with this one. Is there an office, anywhere, where this isn’t a part of the daily norm? Can you name any job that doesn’t include some detailed tasks and use of judgment? While you are in the business of writing obvious requirements, I feel you should also write the need for applicants that wear clothing, breathe, and who understand how to work a light switch.
2. Experience using Microsoft Office, including strong Excel and PowerPoint skills.
Once again, I think you are simplifying too much here. Experience with Microsoft Office is a given when you have already asked for someone with an associate’s degree. Seriously, are you getting people who haven’t touched a computer applying for these positions? Given the prevalence of computers in daily life over the past 20 years, you would be hard pressed to find someone that can’t figure this shit out, yet job requirements still insist on putting this bon mot in the mix. In fact, it would be hard to find a 6 year-old kid in this country without experience using Microsoft Office, which has permeated the culture so much it’s like asking for strong skills in using a chair.
3. Demonstrated ability to organize tasks and set priorities.
This is the most aggravating of your requirements and makes me want to hand deliver this cover letter so I can personally slap you across the face. You want me to prove an ability to organize tasks and set priorities. Should I take a picture of my calendar schedule, my list of shit to do today with stars by the stuff that needs to get done by 3? Does this numbered list of a cover letter count as demonstrating my ability to organize your idiotic job requirements? My first priority upon starting at your office would be to put a jar on my desk with the label “human stupidity tax” and fill it with shorn locks of your hair whenever you let such stupidity escape your undeveloped think bone through your overused pie hole.
4. Excellent written and oral communication skills.
OK. You are being a bit vague again here. Excellent, as in the ability to speak or write clearly and directly so others can understand where you are coming from? I can see that your office clearly needs such a person. I will also throw in the bonus of hiring someone who has presented at several national professional conventions and published several articles on literature in peer-reviewed journals.
5. Evidence of sensitivity to and acceptance of people from diverse cultures.
Again with the evidence! Please find enclosed several pictures of me with people of other races. While some of them look like I took them while seated at another table in a restaurant, I think they clearly demonstrate that I am totally cool with being in the same room as someone from another race or culture. I can also provide receipts of donations to United Way, which supports organizations that help build diversity. Beyond that, I hope you’ll accept my extensive studies and publications in African American and Native American literature, my history teaching with Upward Bound, and that I voted for Obama as evidence. I also appreciate hip hop music, scandinavian folk music, Beyonce Knowles, Dominican baseball players and Klesmer bands. I hope to move to Minnesota, and look forward to voting against the stupid constitutional amendment to deny ordinary rights to people because of their sexual preference – and I hope I put that down in a sensitive manner, you ridiculous, silly person from the 1970s. Let me put this one forth – I also listen to NPR, read National Geographic, and have worked with people from other races and sexualities, but we didn’t ever really talk about it in that aggravating “he’s my gay friend” liberal way you appear to be shooting for here, because as someone born in the last 3 decades, it isn’t something we even think about much.
Anyway, I hope this cover letter is written excellently enough to demonstrate my experience and abilities. I am also able to lift 20-40 pounds from time to time. I look forward to your response that there are more qualified and/or experienced people that more closely matched the position – I know how hard it is to find someone who can answer phones, type shit, use the alphabet to file things, and write stuff on a calendar. It’s a tough gig, and you need the right person for the job. I understand.
Sincerely,
Able and willing to do this rather simple job but not “experienced” enough for you
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