Minnesotans can be pretty pompous sometimes

Having lived in ND for the past 7 years, moving back to Minnesota has been a nice relief. No offense, Fargo, but damn you can be cold. However, I feel OK saying that, as I have lived the life of a North Dakotan. What I don’t abide by is others looking down on North Dakota who haven’t walked that road.

Case in point, the rest of this blog.

I previously discussed our issues upon moving to MN with getting set for allergy shots for the wife. She’s been doing them for two years now. And as our prescription had been running out, she decided to see an allergist in the cities rather than have to make the trek to Fargo every now and then to check in.

You see, in North Dakota, you can have someone give you your weekly allergy shot at your leisure. No need to go in to the hospital every week to wait in one of those lovely hospital lines, taking time from work. I had to go through some training to give her the weekly shot, but it wasn’t incredibly hard. Two years later, she has seen some improvement.

You wouldn’t know it by speaking to the allergy specialists in the Twin Cities. Everyone who wife told our story would raise their eyebrows as soon as she said I was giving her shots. “Really?”

“Even cardiologists and anesthesiologists aren’t allowed to give allergy shots to their spouses,” one said.

They disparaged me giving the shot. They further talked trash about the method used in North Dakota of mixing the various allergens together into one syringe. “That dilutes it.”

This was the comment here and there throughout the two hours we spent there today as wife went through allergy tests. They put about 16 dots of junk on her back, and gave her about 18 shots of other junk to see what she would react to.

Turns out she only reacted to one thing, dog, and not too much to that. The other 18 or so allergens she reacted to two years ago were now nothing. She was good to go. No more shots.

I raised my hands in triumph. The doctor asked if she had taken any antihistimines in the last 48 hours, just in case. Nope. I so wanted to say “Guess our hillbilly North Dakotan ways done cured her skin itches.” But I’m not one to be a dick out loud, like they were.

Take your job advice and shove it

It’s been one of those weeks where I’ve been disoriented a lot because I can’t hear out of one ear. I get ear infections from time to time, and I’ve had so many at this point, the only way I know is I can’t hear. So now I’ve been on an antibiotic for 12 days and it still isn’t better but I have to wait until Tuesday to go in for something else. Antibiotics make pooping horrible, and it used to be a favorite past time of mine.

The main focal point of this entry, though, is to address those of you out there who like to cast aspersions on people who by hook and crook can’t land a job.

Back when wife was unemployed for 9 months, she started volunteering her time as she searched for jobs. She worked the phone bank for the Fargo Flood people and worked for the Red Cross. They got her out of the house, talking to people besides me, and put something fresh on the resume. She was applying for any and everything in Fargo Moorhead. She applied to work reception at an acupuncture place, teaching at any of the public, private and for profit colleges, student advising, libraries – basically anything that she had some degree of aptitude and experience to do.

While volunteering at the phone lines, she worked alongside middle-aged women who were married to well off people and didn’t need regular jobs. They would give her advice that always came off horribly. One said she should apply to teach high school, which you need a teaching license for which she doesn’t have. The person said she obviously didn’t have a job yet because she was being too picky.

Flash forward. I’ve been applying to about 20 jobs a week for several months now. I’ve become a wizard at filling out my job history, including phone numbers and addresses, from memory. I’ve had a couple dozen interviews, which means I’m in the top 5-10 out of 100 candidates usually. Last week I came in second for a job that would have been perfect. It was gut wrenching, but the interviewer said I did every single thing right, that I was obviously a great candidate, and she wished she had two jobs open. It was a spirit lifting message, since often times they don’t go that far and you are left wondering what happened.

I’m applying mostly to communications positions that fit me between 80-100 percent. That alone keeps me busy, but I’ve also been applying to stop-gap jobs that I have experience in – retail, home health care, admin work. That hasn’t worked either. Side note, menial jobs are much more likely to have to take hour-long ethical quizzes than jobs higher up the chain – seems to me this is backward.

I’ve got two temp-agencies working with me, one creative, one office staffing. Still nothing. I’ve been to job fairs and networking events. I’ve had people in various organizations put in a good word for me. I’ve listed my resume on a half-dozen sites. Still nothing.

Surely there must be something wrong with me, the common thinking goes. Anyone who wants a job can get one in this country. That’s what politicians like to say, and people believe it. They believe that they got a job because of their exemplary skills. I admit I had this too. When wife got a job in the cities, I figured with my strong background, awards, and crazy work ethic, it wouldn’t take long to land a job. I haven't been jobless more than 2 months since I was 15, and even then I usually had two jobs going on at any given time for a 50-60 hour work week. Sometimes, though, life just doesn’t work out that way no matter what you try, no matter how many different types of jobs you apply for.

I’m still getting interviews on a weekly basis with a resume one guy said was the worst he’d ever seen. After so many interviews, it starts to be like acting in a play. You wait for your queue and recite your well-rehearsed answers. For the last interview, I was a little more myself than usual. Rather than follow the advice from books and blogs about how to answer questions in an interview, I opened up a little bit and said what I actually thought when it came to the “what didn’t you like about your job” question. It got me closer to a job than I have before. So sometimes, you just have to chuck all the sage advice out the window and try something else.

Crappy Superpowers

I've always been a fan of superheroes. Supernatural powers rock, no matter if you get them from a mutation or from cosmic rays, or are just born in Xanth. Side note, I've always wondered why the X-men and other mutants are  hated so, while others who get their superpowers through other means are loved.

Anyway, with all these kick ass powers going around: Flight, healing, strength, lazer vision, there have to be some really crap powers out there as well that we never hear about. Powers that wouldn't really be a big help in any situation. Yes, I spend some time during my day thinking about this shit.

Crappy superpowers:

You poop rainbow colors.

Can turn a gecko into a gerbil.

Get shocked anytime you are 3 feet from an outlet.

Can hear things backward.

Elbows bend opposite direction.

Can seal your eyes shut at will.

Hair grows 50 percent faster than normal.

Can turn gold into lead with power of your mind.

Power to not get annoyed by traffic (this might be useful).

Can teleport your foot anywhere, but you bleed out when you do.

Farts taste like candy.

Elevensies

This is the first and only pass it along thing I will be doing, so don't get any funny ideas, internet. I'm doing it because I appreciate the few readers I have, and Karifur has been one of them for a while.

**We'll start with 11 Random Things About Me:

1.       I backpacked through seven European countries by myself on a budget of 50 dollars a day.

2.       I have two "belly buttons." One of them is a scar from a feeding tube.

3.       I am 100 percent Norwegian heritage.

4.       I knew I wanted to be a writer since 6th grade.

5.       There have been many times in my life where I had less than 10 dollars to my name.

6.       Snakes and spiders freak me the fuck out.

7.       I can only fall asleep on my stomach, facing right.

8.       I used to sleepwalk.

9.       I am hypershy and quiet in non-structured group settings

10.   I can sort of juggle.

11.   I've been to most of the 50 states.

Answers to Karifur's questions:

1.       In retrospect, what hair and/or fashion trend do you most regret following? Was it caught on film?  -- I did the bowl haircut for a while. There are photos somewhere.

2.       What is the weirdest food you've ever eaten? Did you like it? -- I've eaten chocolate covered crickets, emu burgers, bear, and alligator, but I think the weirdest is reindeer. I liked it.

3.       What would you do for a Klondike bar? -- Punch a girl.

4.       Whistling: awesome or annoying? --Awesome when I do it. Annoying when others do it. I'm a hypocrite.

5.       Rock climbing, deep-sea diving, or spelunking? --Rock Climbing, although I'm too big for that now. Used to love it. I am scared of being in water with fish, and caves are only mildly interesting to me. I love heights.

6.       Blanket forts or Snow Forts? Explain. -- Snow Forts, because they are more rare. Some winters there wasn't enough snow to make them.

7.       Who would play you in the Lifetime TV Movie of your life? -- Paul Giamatti in his pathetic mode.

8.       Would you rather have a TARDIS or a time machine made out of DeLorean? -- TARDIS hands down for several reasons. It can go anywhere in space. It translates for you. It comes with a driver and guide.

9.       Can you drive a stick shift without dropping the transmission on the road en-route? -- Never learned stick shift. Not sure what a transmission does other than cost a lot.

10.   Which movie do you most wish you could un-see? -- Tie between Gladiator and He's Just Not That In To You.

11.   Disneyworld/Disneyland: Magic Kingdom or Overrated? Been to both, and Eurodisney. I enjoyed them all somewhere in between the range given.

A dialog with the bank

Me: Hello?

Bank: Hello! I’m returning the call you made about getting a month extension on the loan?

Me: Yeah, you did this magic thing in November so I just paid $40 to cover the interest. Wondering if that could happen again since I am still unemployed?

Bank: We love to work with our customers here at Gate City Bank, but since we did that before, we can’t do it again. You will have to make the regular payment to avoid any difficulties.

Me: Yeah. I have $19 to my name.

Bank: … We could set up a payment system.

Me: A payment system?

Bank: Yes, since the payment isn’t really due for 10 days after the due date, you could do half now and half after 10 days.

Me: I have $19 to my name.

Bank: We love to work with our customers here at Gate City Bank. Is there some way you can borrow the payment?

Me: Yeah, I’ve drained what I can of my 401k, cashed out my life insurance, and have pawned anything of value that won’t help me get another job. Still waiting for a job offer. I’m applying to 30 jobs a week, regardless of what it is. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve reached the point where I have $19.

Bank: Do you get unemployment? 

Me: No. I don't since I got married two months after I moved.

Bank: Well, here is my number, please let me know if your situation changes. If you work at it diligently, I’m sure you’ll be employed again soon.

Me: So, no go on the extension?

Bank: We’ll have to keep on the same payment schedule.

Me: (wishing I said, I guess I’ll hear from you soon when you try to withdraw the payment and there’s no money there) OK. Thanks.