Shit we do for love

This is about to get gross. Not in a mushy way, lovey dovey, kind of gross, but the gross that makes you lose appetite and wonder what the hell I’m smoking to be writing about this.

So Fiance came down with a bad case (not that there is a good case) of what I’ve diagnosed as gastroenteritis. This is commonly known as stomach flu. She woke up at 5 a.m. Sunday and promptly erupted out both ends. We both ate the same things lately, so aren’t sure how she got it except from her family, who also had it over the weekend after Thanksgiving.

These violent bouts of vomit and diarrhea need cleaning up after. I also have to fight her to stay in bed while I clean the house and throw away grocery bags full of stomach acid. There’s an intimacy one gains when dealing with a loved one’s bodily fluids all over underwear and clothing that isn’t found elsewhere.

We called the nurse and followed her instructions, allowing fiance a tablespoon of water only after 90 minutes since the last puke session. It took a few tries before she kept it down. Then we gradually increased the water dosage every fifteen minutes over the next two hours. She would beg me for more water after 7 minutes since her last gulp, but I had to stay firm. It was brutal.

By the end of the night, she was sipping at a Gatorade while we watched Community on DVD.

This morning, we went to her doctor for an appointment we already had to get her IUD taken out. She’s had it for two years, and we nearly have it paid off. However, the constant cramps have made getting rid of it necessary, back to the Depo shot.

She likes to have me in the room with her because of a fear of doctors. I don’t mind. When the doctor asked if she should do a pap smear while she was at it, Fiance said yes. The doctor stepped out of the room while Fiance took off her pants. Because of the last 24 hours, the following conversations were possible. I apologize for nothing.

Fiance: It’s one thing to have you in here while they take out the IUD, but it’s weird to also have a pap smear done with you here.

Me: Why, will it make you gag?

Fiance: Oh my god.

The doctor came in, removed the IUD in about 3 seconds, and did the pap smear. She was kind enough to run the speculum under warm water first. Fiance: That’s why having a woman doctor rocks. Doctor: I know how it is.

With the Depo shot done, fiance clothed, and writing her address down for a reminder card about the next shot appointment, I made my move while she was distracted.

Me: Can I gross you out?

Fiance: Sure.

Me: The speculum is still right there if you want to take a whiff.

Fiance: What the hell is wrong with you?

Me: You don’t have to do it directly; you can waft it like they do in chemistry labs.

Fiance: Why. Why are you so horrible?

Me: You said I could gross you out.

Fiance: You know why I love you? Even though you’ve had to see me at my worst and most vulnerable, you can still make me laugh about it. Thanks.